I'm an Optimist

Despite living with depression for so long, my optimistic nature has yet to be tainted. I find joy in the smallest events and strangest places. And . . . I still see so much potential in all that I can achieve.

That's why after nine years of living in this seaside town, and despite running a business here for seven years, I think the the time may have come for me to move on, and, I'm seriously considering moving 3000kms to New Zealand.

Not a small move, I grant you, but I did consider NZ as a strong contender for my new abode after looking at all the options in Australia.

I'm afraid that Australia has let many successes over the past 40 years 'go to it's head'. I don't feel comfortable being Australian anymore. It has the potential to be the best place on Earth to live - the potential!

Any where I move to will have it's own set of challenges and inherent problems, however I will make myself aware of them before I go.

I would just like to find a place where I can be happy.

I'm Sitting On A Bit Of A High Today,

as I may have found another job.

After losing my job on the AB, I lost all faith in Busselton. I've tried ever so hard to fit in here. Joining community groups, volunteering for events and groups, playing sport I don't even know how to play.

I've put up with whinging women and sexist men.

I've kept an open mind, I've stood back, I've kept quiet.

For nought!

And then to lose the best job I have ever had - to a bully - well, it almost finished me off.

However, today I was handed a tiny flickering candle of hope. Maybe more work with autistic kids. God, how happy that would make me. And then money. Real money guaranteed each week, without scrounging and avoiding the phone and seeing overdue 'fees' on all my household bills.

I feel decidedly buoyed tonight. I can actually feel the smile inside me.

Yippee. It's about damn time.

And it all i took was a maybe.

Days Like Today . . .

. . . make me itchy.

I try so damn hard to be positive and not let the depression control my thoughts or actions.

But today - I attempted to get movement on my broken (6 month old) iMac that I am leasing!!!

Yes, I am paying for it while it is sitting at my back door in a silent stupor. And instead of making up ground on the issue I nearly threw my poor old iMac out the front window.

BOTH my phone/isp provider and the leasing company cut off/hung up my phone calls while I was hold.

Garghhhh!

It's time's like these you feel like yelling or crying or going back to bed in the middle of the day and hiding under the doona.

But I didn't.

I walked away from the phone and the computer and went and hung up some washing.

But I seriously wanted to break something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Use To . . .

. . . have a blog, elsewhere.
It doesn't matter where it was.

I stopped writing a month ago due to a bully, a sacking and a lawyer. I didn't do anything wrong. The bully was just really good at scaring others into action.

But . . .  the need to write has been so intrinsic that I have to find my voice again.

So I am here. Now.

................................................

For seven weeks I have allowed the desire to die, waft through my ether.

Although I did not entertain the thought by providing a plan of action, I certainly woke up every day - disappointed. Damn! I'm still here.

I have no one to talk to. I have no confident, no family, no partner. My closest friend doesn't 'do emotion'. Although I am generous and warm and caring, I hold everyone at arms length due to multiple betrayals and heartbreaks.

Due to my 27 year existence with depression, I cannot face more heartache. I am strong - not invincible!!!

You are now my only avenue of confidence. The only place where I can say just how much pain I am in, and how strong I am to survive every day.

I am not suicidal.

I just wish I didn't have to live anymore.