"Unfair" is Totally Relative

Whenever I get in one of my slumps and I hear words like 'unfair', 'deserve' or 'why' in my inner dialogue, I always remind myself of one salient fact;

- I was not born in a slum in India or a hut in Africa or a tin shack on the side of a mountain in RDJ.

• I have the ability to change my circumstances
• I have access to medicine and healthcare
• I had a (sometimes free) education
• I am not being forced to bear children or get married
• I can choose where to live and what income to earn

In Western Society- life is only unfair to those who do not take responsibility for their own lives.

I am NOT one of those people!

Ripped Off

There's no doubt that as far as 'Life', I've been ripped off.

BIG TIME!

And the thing is - I'm not whinging about it . . . I just want to change it.

But how the fuck do I do that?

I've been channelling Mary Poppins, Pippy Longstockings & Anne Shirley all of my life. I have lived by the thought process of 'be positive' since - forever!

And to be honest with you - it's not making a single bit of bloody difference.

I've

• educated myself, 
• learnt to surround myself with only positive people
• diregarded negative people
• built myself a 'Teflon Suit'
• learnt to budget & save
• deflected bullies
• been brave enough to love and be loved
• encouraged connections with family
• travelled
• tried new things
• been independent
• been dependent
• sought help
• been on medication
• been generous
• joined community groups
• played group sports
• sought coaching
• tried to be organised
• been disorganised
• learnt tolerance
• taken up hobbies
• been passionate
• been caring

And do you know what?

I am

• alone
• poor
• misunderstood
• ignored
• mistreated

See?!?

I have been ripped off!

I,

am so lost and so despondent. I have no idea what I am suppose to be doing or going or being.

Everything I thought I would one day have or earn or work for, is not in my life.

Children

A partner

A career

A house

Friends

A neighbourhood

I have simply no clue as to how I am meant to be viewing my future and exactly what I should be working towards.

Everything I value in life is not available to me.

I'm 42 with noone to love. It is the ONLY thing I have ever asked for.

I feel so ripped off!!!!

Are You Really A Freak?

I got asked online this morning by a guy, if I was really a freak? To which I honestly and proudly answered "Yes".

This characteristic has often got me into trouble but has more regularly given me a reason to smile and laugh.

Now, if I am being honest, in the depths of my depression I have to say that I have dreamt of being 'normal'. Of the being a mum and a wife and a citizen in a suburb. Don't vomit - it's true. Everyone else makes it look so appealing and fulfilling.

But life didn't want me to have or be those things - so here I am, 42 unmarried, no kids, no assets, no career, no house.

The problem is that I place value on all of the things that I dreamt I would one day be. I admire those people who also value those dreams. Parenting is THE most important job on this earth. Without compare!

So, without these ideal 'things' in my life I have to find a much much fresher and unworn path in life. I have to be different from everyone else. I have to be different. I have to be a freak.

And I have to say, I've taken to the role with aplomb.

W.E.

I watched the movie "WE" tonight. A film directed by Madonna and panned by the critics world-wide.

And that really shits me, as I don't need to be intellectually challenged EVERY time I see a movie.

Sometimes I just want to indulge in the music or the scenery or the costumes. Sometimes I just want the 'feeling' of the movie to drift over me. Carry me down a bubbling stream with warm sun on my skin and cool water touching my fingertips.

That's how I felt watching "WE", tonight. The music (mostly piano) tinkled through my skin and into my bones. I felt jittery and awash.

I loved the feeling.

I loved that the story didn't try to educate me or to say anything too serious.

I loved the romance and the promise that loves is still available even to the most broken of us - which of course, I am.

Films like "WE" remind me that it is okay to have depression and to dream of love and passion and being held in the arms of another.

It reminds to continue living as a romantic - which of course I am.

It reminds to not give up on the idea of loving or being loved.

I'm an Optimist

Despite living with depression for so long, my optimistic nature has yet to be tainted. I find joy in the smallest events and strangest places. And . . . I still see so much potential in all that I can achieve.

That's why after nine years of living in this seaside town, and despite running a business here for seven years, I think the the time may have come for me to move on, and, I'm seriously considering moving 3000kms to New Zealand.

Not a small move, I grant you, but I did consider NZ as a strong contender for my new abode after looking at all the options in Australia.

I'm afraid that Australia has let many successes over the past 40 years 'go to it's head'. I don't feel comfortable being Australian anymore. It has the potential to be the best place on Earth to live - the potential!

Any where I move to will have it's own set of challenges and inherent problems, however I will make myself aware of them before I go.

I would just like to find a place where I can be happy.

I'm Sitting On A Bit Of A High Today,

as I may have found another job.

After losing my job on the AB, I lost all faith in Busselton. I've tried ever so hard to fit in here. Joining community groups, volunteering for events and groups, playing sport I don't even know how to play.

I've put up with whinging women and sexist men.

I've kept an open mind, I've stood back, I've kept quiet.

For nought!

And then to lose the best job I have ever had - to a bully - well, it almost finished me off.

However, today I was handed a tiny flickering candle of hope. Maybe more work with autistic kids. God, how happy that would make me. And then money. Real money guaranteed each week, without scrounging and avoiding the phone and seeing overdue 'fees' on all my household bills.

I feel decidedly buoyed tonight. I can actually feel the smile inside me.

Yippee. It's about damn time.

And it all i took was a maybe.

Days Like Today . . .

. . . make me itchy.

I try so damn hard to be positive and not let the depression control my thoughts or actions.

But today - I attempted to get movement on my broken (6 month old) iMac that I am leasing!!!

Yes, I am paying for it while it is sitting at my back door in a silent stupor. And instead of making up ground on the issue I nearly threw my poor old iMac out the front window.

BOTH my phone/isp provider and the leasing company cut off/hung up my phone calls while I was hold.

Garghhhh!

It's time's like these you feel like yelling or crying or going back to bed in the middle of the day and hiding under the doona.

But I didn't.

I walked away from the phone and the computer and went and hung up some washing.

But I seriously wanted to break something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Use To . . .

. . . have a blog, elsewhere.
It doesn't matter where it was.

I stopped writing a month ago due to a bully, a sacking and a lawyer. I didn't do anything wrong. The bully was just really good at scaring others into action.

But . . .  the need to write has been so intrinsic that I have to find my voice again.

So I am here. Now.

................................................

For seven weeks I have allowed the desire to die, waft through my ether.

Although I did not entertain the thought by providing a plan of action, I certainly woke up every day - disappointed. Damn! I'm still here.

I have no one to talk to. I have no confident, no family, no partner. My closest friend doesn't 'do emotion'. Although I am generous and warm and caring, I hold everyone at arms length due to multiple betrayals and heartbreaks.

Due to my 27 year existence with depression, I cannot face more heartache. I am strong - not invincible!!!

You are now my only avenue of confidence. The only place where I can say just how much pain I am in, and how strong I am to survive every day.

I am not suicidal.

I just wish I didn't have to live anymore.